How to Give Feedback to Someone Who Doesn’t Want It: 12 proven strategies
Do you have some feedback you need to give to someone who doesn't want it?
Providing feedback to someone who resists it—whether a boss, a team member, or a peer—can be challenging. Yet, when approached thoughtfully, feedback can foster growth, strengthen relationships, and enhance team dynamics. Using strategies grounded in growth mindset principles, emotional intelligence, neuroscience, and positive language, you can increase the chances of your feedback being received and acted upon.
Why Feedback Matters
Feedback is critical for personal and professional development. Constructive feedback:
- Enhances self-awareness: Helps individuals identify blind spots and areas for growth (Goleman, 1995).
- Promotes continuous improvement: Encourages a culture of learning and adaptability (Dweck, 2006).
- Strengthens trust: When delivered skillfully, feedback fosters deeper relationships and collaboration (Brown, 2018).
However, delivering feedback to those unwilling to receive it requires skill and tact to avoid defensiveness or conflict.
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Twelve Strategies that work
One - Giving Feedback to a Boss
Strategy 1: Ask for Permission
Example: "Would it be alright if I shared some observations about how we approach team deadlines? I think it could help us work even more efficiently."
Why It Works: Neuroscience shows that when people feel in control, they’re less defensive (Rock, 2008). Seeking permission respects your boss’s autonomy, making them more receptive.
Pros: Builds trust and shows respect.
Cons: They may decline the feedback.
Strategy 2: Focus on Shared Goals
Example: "I’ve noticed that some team processes could be streamlined to meet our quarterly goals. Would you be open to exploring this together?"
Why It Works: Aligning feedback with shared objectives leverages a growth mindset and shifts focus from critique to collaboration (Dweck, 2006).
Pros: Appeals to common interests.
Cons: Requires a clear understanding of shared goals.
Strategy 3: Use Data and Examples
Example: "I’ve noticed that teams with weekly check-ins finish projects 20% faster. Would you consider trying this approach with us?"
Why It Works: Concrete data activates logical processing, reducing emotional defensiveness (Heath & Heath, 2007).
Pros: Adds credibility to feedback.
Cons: Can seem impersonal without balancing it with empathy.
Strategy 4: Lead with Positivity
Example: "Your leadership style encourages independence, and I think a small adjustment in communication could further empower the team."
Why It Works: Positive framing activates the brain’s reward centers, making the feedback easier to accept (Fredrickson, 2001).
Pros: Reduces the perception of criticism.
Cons: Risks diluting the message if overdone.
Two - Giving Feedback to a Team Member
Strategy 1: Use the SBI Model (Situation-Behavior-Impact)
Example: "In yesterday’s meeting (Situation), you interrupted Sarah multiple times (Behavior), which made it hard for her to contribute (Impact)."
Why It Works: This clear, non-judgmental structure minimises ambiguity and defensiveness (Center for Creative Leadership, 2021).
Pros: Encourages accountability.
Cons: Requires practice to deliver effectively.
Strategy 2: Ask Open-Ended Questions
Example: "How do you think yesterday’s presentation went? Is there anything you’d change next time?"
Why It Works: Questions engage the prefrontal cortex, fostering self-reflection and ownership of solutions (Rock, 2008).
Pros: Empowers the recipient.
Cons: Requires patience and active listening.
Strategy 3: Highlight Strengths Before Areas for Improvement
Example: "Your attention to detail in reports is exceptional. Let’s work on ensuring that all reports are submitted on time to maximise their impact."
Why It Works: Compliments activate dopamine, making individuals more receptive to constructive feedback (Fredrickson, 2001).
Pros: Builds confidence.
Cons: Can come across as formulaic if not genuine.
Strategy 4: Frame Feedback as Opportunities
Example: "Improving your delegation skills could free up more time for strategic work."
Why It Works: Growth-oriented language reframes feedback as developmental rather than corrective (Dweck, 2006).
Pros: Encourages a positive mindset.
Cons: May require reinforcement to ensure follow-through.
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Three - Giving Feedback to a Peer
Strategy 1: Build on Shared Respect
Example: "I value your expertise in client management. Could we discuss how we can divide responsibilities more effectively?"
Why It Works: Acknowledging mutual respect fosters openness and collaboration (Goleman, 1995).
Pros: Strengthens professional relationships.
Cons: May be challenging if trust isn’t established.
Strategy 2: Use “I” Statements
Example: "I felt overwhelmed when I received last-minute changes. How can we collaborate better next time?"
Why It Works: Reduces blame and focuses on problem-solving (Rosenberg, 2003).
Pros: Lowers defensiveness.
Cons: Requires self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Strategy 3: Collaborate on Solutions
Example: "How can we ensure that everyone’s voice is heard during team discussions?"
Why It Works: Collaborative feedback engages peers in co-creating solutions, reinforcing mutual respect (Brown, 2018).
Pros: Promotes teamwork.
Cons: May require follow-up to implement ideas.
Strategy 4: Address the Issue Privately
Example: "I noticed some confusion during our client call. Can we discuss how to present a unified approach?"
Why It Works: Neuroscience indicates that public feedback triggers social pain, so private conversations feel safer (Lieberman, 2013).
Pros: Maintains peer relationships.
Cons: Requires effort to create private opportunities.
The Benefits of Giving Feedback
- Improved performance: Constructive feedback helps individuals identify areas for growth (Goleman, 1995).
- Stronger relationships: Skillfully delivered feedback fosters trust and collaboration (Brown, 2018).
- Increased innovation: Feedback promotes a culture of continuous learning and improvement (Dweck, 2006).
Final Thoughts
Giving feedback to someone resistant to receiving it requires a combination of emotional intelligence, respect, and strategy. By framing feedback constructively, aligning it with shared goals, and focusing on solutions, you can break down barriers and inspire growth.
Let us remember that feedback, when delivered with care, is a gift that benefits both the giver and the receiver.
What has worked for you in regards to sharing feedback that is tricky? Drop me a line in the comments section below.
And, until the next article,
I'll see you at the top!
Kerry Anne
References (with clickable links)
- Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead.
- Center for Creative Leadership (2021). Feedback That Works.
- Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
- Fredrickson, B. (2001). “The Role of Positive Emotions in Positive Psychology.” American Psychologist.
- Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence.
- Heath, C., & Heath, D. (2007). Made to Stick.
- Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect.
- Rock, D. (2008). Your Brain at Work.
- Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
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